


Self-Love

by forwhomthecrescentrolls



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, F/M, First Time, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Sex Toys, Vaginal Fingering, but I promise you it is also very sweet, joel's magnificient abs, oc discovers she has a praise kink, oc is pear-shaped and not happy about it, petite female oc, this sounds like only porn from the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26145295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forwhomthecrescentrolls/pseuds/forwhomthecrescentrolls
Summary: She bares her soul about her fear of intimacy, and Joel is kind and understanding.  He also has some creative ideas to help…
Relationships: Joel Edmundson/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 10





	Self-Love

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Unfortunately I am not dating Joel, and this story did not happen in real life.  
> Warnings: discussion of past abuse, mention of vomiting (but no one actually vomits), body image and food issues, first-time sex and other explicit sexual content  
> tumblr @croissanthockeyblog

My third date with Joel was going terribly, from my perspective, at least. We had decided to get takeout and watch a movie at his apartment. I had been so nervous that I could only eat a few bites of my dinner, even though it was just a salad. The rest of it was in the fridge, and I knew I was going to stress-eat it plus half a box of dry cereal whenever I got home. 

“Are you okay?” Joel had asked, his eyebrows knitting together under the bill of his baseball cap. We had been sitting at the island in the middle of his kitchen. I knew I was being way too quiet and also way too obvious about just pushing the lettuce around in my takeout box.

“Yeah! I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.” I forced myself to be more talkative after that, even though I could hear my own voice crack.

Neither one of us could find a movie on Netflix we wanted to watch, so we put on a cooking show instead and sat beside each other on the sofa. I don’t think the chef had even turned on the gas burner under his Le Creuset before Joel pulled me into his lap.

I had steeled myself for this since I met Joel: I was going to go through with this. I could find a place inside myself where my mind could go, at least until I got used to it or maybe even learned to enjoy it. If I got away with this without acting too weird, then maybe I could hold onto him just a little longer. It was going to be worth it, I told myself over and over.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Joel pulled away from kissing me. He had one hand under my top on my waist, and I felt him pull it out and put it on my knee. “It feels like you’re shaking.” 

I don’t remember exactly what I said, just a few phrases. Like, “my dad used to hit me,” “I’ve never had sex before,” “if I don’t let it happen I feel like I have control of something,” “I did five years of therapy and nothing worked,” and “I’m so sorry.”

My eyes were closed. I was too aware of the lettuce in my stomach. I wanted to throw it up just to feel like I was getting something inside out of me. Vomiting the words wasn’t enough. I realized I wasn’t on Joel’s lap anymore, and his hands weren’t on me, either. 

“Don’t cry,” he said, moving his hand to my upper arm and squeezing. I hadn’t realized I was about to cry until then. “Hey, breathe, okay?” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath through my nose. “Can we talk about it?” he asked. 

His eyes were soft when he looked at me, and I made myself look back at him as he asked me questions. I answered him honestly, feeling drained and like my consciousness was outside of my body. 

Did my dad hurt me in other ways? There was a lot of verbal abuse too.

Did he hit my mom? No, just me. But she was afraid of him.

Did I think Joel could hurt me? I thought _anyone_ could hurt me.

What could he do to make me feel safe? Gradually working up to a physical relationship might work, but I would understand if he didn’t want to do that.

Our hands rested on the sofa between us with our fingers locked together. He asked if he could ask specific questions about sex. I nodded, holding his gaze even though my heart was sinking with every answer I had to give. 

So I had never had sex at all, not with guys, not with girls? No, not at all.

What had happened with the guys I dated before? I got ghosted a lot, generally after this conversation.

What was the farthest I had gone? Kissing him, just then, on the sofa.

At this point, Joel was looking pretty devastated. I knew it was because he felt bad for me. Maybe he was feeling bad because he knew he was going to ghost me, too. He still had more questions. 

“But, by yourself, do you…?” 

It took a second before I realized what he meant. He was flushed pink all the way down his neck. I felt my face form a fleeting smile. 

“Oh.” I nodded. “Yeah. I do.” I looked past him and down at the arm of the sofa, my own face getting warm. 

“So you enjoy that? And like, you’re attracted to me?” There was something serious in his expression when he caught my gaze again, maybe something a little vulnerable.

“Oh! Oh, of course! I’m like, way attracted to you.” We both started giggling. 

“So it’s just…the other stuff. If we could figure that out, we’d be good?” He said. There was a hopeful tone in his voice, like it was going to be the easiest thing in the world.

I nodded. “I think so.”

“Good. Because I’m way attracted to you, too.” He dragged me into his lap again for a kiss. I felt him squeeze my waist over my top before he pulled back and pressed his nose against mine. “So you’ve thought about me? When you’re by yourself…” 

“Um. Not yet. I always feel…” I sat up straighter in Joel’s lap and put my hand on his shoulder. He had a concerned look on his face. “I always feel bad about that if I’m dating someone. I feel like it’s yours, not mine anymore. Do you know what I mean?”

“I get it, but it’s always yours. I don’t want you to feel like that, okay?” I nodded and leaned into him, laying my head between his neck and his shoulder. I felt his voice rumble in his chest. “If I can find a way to make you feel in control, do you think that will help?”

“I do. I think it would help a lot. I think us having this conversation has helped a lot already.” I let myself go limp while Joel rubbed my side with one hand and squeezed my knee with the other. I was exhausted. On the TV, the chef was carving and plating a roasted chicken. 

Later that night, after another cooking show spent quietly snuggling on the sofa, Joel leaned down to kiss me, and I stood on tiptoe to meet him. I hugged him, pressing my face into his stomach. “I’m really sorry for all of that,” I said into his hoodie. 

“Don’t be sorry. Everything’s going to be okay.” He ran his hands up and down my back. “Be careful, and text me when you get home.” 

I nodded and smiled at him before I headed out the door to start the long drive. 

—

I did feel a little stupid for crying all night when Joel texted me the next day to tell me that he wasn’t the only one who accidentally left his skate guards on at practice; that morning Ryan had done it too. He knew I liked to hear funny stories about the team. It was like nothing was different, even though now he knew I was a total wreck. 

The only unusual thing that came up was him asking me if I could clear my schedule for a few days the next week. He wanted me to house-sit his apartment while the team played a couple of road games. I worked it out, and he asked me to come over early enough that we could spend some time together before he left for the airport. 

When I got to Joel’s apartment on the day he was leaving, he wrapped me in a hug as soon as I got through the door. He was wearing his suit pants and a white shirt that wasn’t buttoned all the way. I was dressed in a comfy hoodie and leggings and felt pretty schlubby beside him, but he pressed his nose to the top of my head and murmured, “You look so cute, baby girl.”

_Call me that all the time please_ , I thought but did not say, _even if I am a little older than you._ Instead, I said, “Thanks. And you look…wow.” 

He laughed, throwing his head back a little. I put my hands on the sides of his stomach. I could feel him, firm and warm under his shirt. I was really an idiot for being scared to sleep with him. He was hot. That should have overridden the scared thing. Not to mention that he had also been very nice to me. 

I was looking up at him, and he was looking down at me. My imagination offered up the thought of him lifting me onto the kitchen counter and fucking me until I cried, and I figured he was thinking something similar. I knew that if he tried it I would end up crying way before any fucking happened. It was miserably confusing to want him so badly and to feel so terrified at the same time. 

“Joel. Can I tell you –“ I started, hooking my arms around his waist. He tucked my hair behind my ear and cradled my jaw in the palm of his hand, listening. “I’m so mixed up. I like you so much. This should be easy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

“Nothing’s wrong with you. You’ve had a rough time. I hate that. But we’re gonna work on it, right?” He smiled down at me, stroking my cheek with his thumb. “I’m kind of excited to work on it.”

I swallowed. “I am too.”

“Actually,” he said, backing up a little and taking both of my hands in his, “I lied. I’m not worried about my apartment at all. That’s not why I asked you to come here.” 

“Okay,” I raised my eyebrows. 

“I thought maybe you could start working on it without me.”

I tilted my head to one side like a confused dog. Joel continued, “Don’t go in there yet, but there’s something in my bedroom for you after I leave.”

“Now I’m worried.”

“No! Don’t be worried. It’s nothing to be worried about. It might be something you’re used to. I just. I’m going to stop talking. I’m going to give it away,” Joel said with a laugh in his voice. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, though, obviously.” 

The rest of the time we were together, it felt like Joel was trying to get me as worked up as possible without upsetting me. He lifted me up onto the kitchen counter – we really must have been thinking the same thing – and kissed me for a while, while rubbing the sides of my thighs. He didn’t know it, but I _hated_ my thighs. They were where all of the fat on my body went. I had thought before that I wouldn’t want him to touch them, but when he squeezed a handful and moaned just a little into my mouth it felt like I had ascended. 

I watched him tie his tie and shrug on his jacket before I got off the counter to say goodbye at the door. “I hope you have a good trip. I’ll miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too. I’ll call you tonight,” he said, “have fun.” The look in his eyes and the way he smiled made my stomach flip. I remembered the surprise in the bedroom. From the window, I watched him close the door to his truck, and then I went to investigate. 

The bedroom door was closed, and I listened for a second. I didn’t hear any movement, so I figured there was nothing alive in there. I opened the door and walked to the bed, where there were a few objects laid out, along with a note. 

They were sex toys. He left me sex toys. I had a lot of conflicting emotions – kind of freaked out, kind of turned on, kind of grateful, kind of embarrassed. One item was clearly a dildo – not crazy big, not penis-shaped, and it was pastel pink, but it was a dildo all the same. I had to open the box to see what the other thing was, but after reading the package insert, it was a vibrator, also pastel pink. He already knows I’m an _uwu bitch_ , I thought. There was also a bottle of lube and some lingerie. My mind was racing. I read the note.

_First I want to say that you don’t have to use any of this. If the best thing for you is to just relax here and not think about sex at all, that’s what I want you to do. But if you’re interested, I wanted to make sure you were prepared…I thought this could be a good chance for you to get comfortable at my place and enjoy yourself, just for you. You don’t have to tell me anything you decide to do, but I wouldn’t mind hearing about it._ (He drew a smiley face here.) _I definitely don’t expect pictures. Maybe you can let me see later, though._ _I’ll be thinking about you. – Joel_

He had drawn a little heart at the end of the note. What should I do with this? This was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for me and also one of the most terrifying. And it was a gift from a seriously gorgeous man. Who I was dating. Who wanted to have sex with me so much that he would do all of this. Who wanted me to have tons of orgasms even if he wasn’t involved, just because he cared about me. And also probably because he thought it would be hot. 

I went to the kitchen to get my phone out of my purse. I sent Joel a text:

_YOU ARE A GENIUS_

And then, after thinking a moment:

_THANK YOU_

Fifteen minutes later he sent a laughing emoji in response. I was pacing around the kitchen trying to figure out what to do. I heard a few more messages come in.

_In case you need inspiration:_

Followed by a handful of pictures from Google images of Joel in the crop top. 

I sent a heart eyes emoji back. I leaned over the kitchen counter and rested my head on my arms. I imagined Joel sitting on the plane, talking to one of his teammates. For some reason I imagined it was Martin. 

_“She’s afraid of having sex, so what do I do, I think to myself?”_ Joel is saying. That doesn’t sound like Joel at all, but whatever.

_“That’s rough man. I guess you broke up with her?”_ Says Martin.

_“No dude, I bought her a vibrator and told her to knock herself out. Why throw away a perfectly good girlfriend when you have Amazon Prime?”_

I imagined Svech in the next row spitting out a mouthful of water. 

I was really shaking at this point, so I made myself a bowl of oatmeal and walked back to the bedroom with it to think. After the initial shock had worn off, I had to admit this was pretty hot and also not that scary. The dildo was still kind of scary, even if it was pink, but I had wanted to try a vibrator for a while. I just hadn’t pursued it because I still lived with my parents, and I could imagine all the things that could go wrong if I tried to buy a noisy sex toy and use it at home. 

I hadn’t even done any Joel-sanctioned masturbation since our conversation. Since then I had been more anxious than anything, and everything sex-related was making me nauseous. That was pretty normal for me: while orgasms felt good and I could get there on my own just fine, thankyouverymuch, I always felt kind of guilty and ashamed and ugly after I got myself there. This was a good opportunity to try to get past that, knowing that Joel was rooting for me from hundreds of miles away. 

I took the two toys to the kitchen to get a pair of scissors and get them out of their packaging. Then I washed them the way the packages instructed. Two pink sex toys on a gingham dish towel on a pro hockey player’s kitchen island. My life was officially amazing.

My heart was beating hard enough that it hurt a little. I went back into the bedroom and rubbed a test patch of the lube into my forearm. If I had an allergic reaction I would rather have it there. Then I looked at the lingerie. I pulled off my hoodie and leggings and tried everything on, just pulling the bottoms on over the panties I was already wearing. Joel had only picked things that didn’t have a cup size, and everything fit. I didn’t think too much about what I looked like in anything. I was completely overwhelmed. 

By the time I had hand washed everything and laid it out to dry, my phone jingled again. 

_Just landed._

I responded: _Good._ (Heart emoji) _I’m working up the courage to try some things out._

After a minute, the reply came in: _Take your time baby girl._

I could hear him saying it in my head. I stood with my elbows on the counter until they felt numb, staring at the toys on the dish towel. I thought about the way he felt against my hands earlier, and I thought about the way his hands felt so big and warm on me.

I picked up the vibrator and headed to the bedroom. My hoodie and leggings came off again, this time followed by my bra and panties. I had squirted before, although not in a long time, so I wasn’t going to do this without a towel. I grabbed one from the bathroom and pushed the comforter back on the bed. 

The lamp on the nightstand cast a warm light that made my skin look golden. I sat with my legs crossed and looked at the vibrator in my hand. It was a rounded organic shape, smaller than my palm. I pressed where the instructions had said to press, and it came on. It made my skin crawl a little, and I wondered if it was going to feel like too much. I held it against my stomach and then against the inside of my thigh. I felt something drip out of me. I turned the vibrator off before I leaned back, opening my legs just enough to catch the drip with two fingers and drag them lightly over my clit a few times. I looked down at my hand, at the way my stomach curved below my belly button. If Joel walked in on this his face would be between my thighs in a second, I thought. 

My phone rang on the nightstand. It was Joel. I reached over with the hand that wasn’t sticky to answer it, “Hey!”

“Hey. You sound happy.”

“Well, I - are you alone?”

“Yeah, I’m in my hotel room. I just got into bed.”

“Well I’m in _your_ bed, I’m completely naked, and my right hand is a little busy right now.”

“Fuck.” 

“Tell me about it.” I laughed. “It’s kind of early for you to be in bed, isn’t it?”

“I thought we might end up doing this. I guess I can’t ask you what you’re wearing, since I know the answer is nothing… Are you under the covers?”

“Nope.” I heard him blow air out his nose. “What are _you_ wearing?”

“Technically a pair of boxers, but they’re around my knees now. So.”

“Whoa.”

“Two can play at this game.” He laughed. “So what…what’s going on over there? If you want to tell me.”

“I just started. Should I keep going?”

“Shit. Yes. Please keep going. What did I miss?” 

“Um.” I shifted on the bed to lie down fully and let my legs fall open. “I’m really just trying to get started right now.” My hand rested on the inside of my thigh. “I was looking at the vibrator, thinking about trying it out. And then – “

“Then what?” Joel prompted when I went quiet. I heard him shuffle around a little. 

“I’m not used to talking about this. But I noticed – I noticed I felt wet.”

Joel groaned over the phone. 

I continued. “Uh. So I got some on my fingers and started, well, you know. Just a little. I’m not even really. Aroused. Yet. What are you doing?”

“What do you think?” 

“Oh, of course.” We both laughed. I raised the hand that had been on my leg and hovered it over my vulva. “I’m just gonna,” I started, before I pressed my pelvic floor muscles down and slid my index finger slowly inside. “Okay. There’s a finger inside me. And I’m super wet now.”

“How does it feel, baby?” Joel sounded a little out of breath. 

“Honestly? I feel something, but I don’t think I can reach far enough.” I flicked at my clit with my thumb. That was more like it. I sighed from the back of my throat.

“Sounds to me like it feels pretty good.”

“No that’s…external. I’m going to do another finger now, hang on. Can you hear me if I put the phone down?” A whine came through the phone, and I assumed that meant yes. The second finger was always a stretch with a burning sensation, but I had grown to like the feeling of fullness. I kept flicking with my thumb and arched my back a little into the feeling. “Okay that’s two. That’s all I can do.” I sounded breathless now. 

“You’re doing great, baby girl.” 

I felt my face flush, and I made a whimpering sound. “Joel?”

“What, baby, are you almost there?”

“Not yet. I just wish that it was your fingers inside me. And I wish it was your tongue on my – “

“Fuckfuckfuck-“

I covered a laugh with my non-sticky hand and pulled my fingers out with a wince.

“Keep going,” he breathed into the phone. “I’ll be ready to go again in a minute.”

“I’m going to try the vibrator now. This is fun.” I sat up and put a pillow between my back and the headboard. I put the towel under me. Even if I didn’t squirt, I was basically dripping at this point. “I don’t even want to come. I just wish we could do this for hours. This is the hottest thing I’ve ever done.”

“I’m having fun too. You’re a natural at this. You can come more than once, though.” I heard water running in the background.

“I haven’t tried to do two at once in a long time. I always feel kind of ashamed after one,” I said, leaning back against the pillow. 

“No! You are way too hot to be ashamed.”

“You’re so nice to me.”

“You deserve it, baby girl.”

I turned on the vibrator and held it next to the phone. “Can you hear that?”

“Baby.” Joel said. There were some more shuffling noises in the background. 

“How did you find literally the cutest vibrator in existence?”

“It had to match you.”

“There you go again. I really appreciate it, okay. It drives me crazy, in the best way, just so you know. Also, I have never used one of these things before, so I don’t know what we’re getting into. Oh.” I pressed a flat side of the vibrator against my clit. After holding it there for a second, it started to feel _good._ It felt so good I couldn’t feel anything else in my body, just ineffable bliss coming from that one point of contact. “Okay. Ohhhhhhhh.” 

“What’s happening now?”

“Joel, it’s. It’s so good. Ohmygosh, Joel. Ahhhhhh.”

“Stay with it, baby.” 

“Holy shit. I’m almost. No, false alarm. Wait. Ahhhhhhhhhhh,” I came, so so so hard. I had just enough brain left to make myself keep the vibrator pressed against me, even though my legs were shaking and I felt so overwhelmed. Something was warm and wet and coming out of me. I could feel the muscles inside me fluttering. And I felt so, so vulnerable between my legs. The vibrator almost hurt now. I turned it off. “Well. I definitely came. And I think I squirted. Don’t worry, I put a towel down.”

“That’s my good girl. You can squirt on everything in the apartment if you want.” 

“I’ll squirt on you when you get back,” I said, still breathless, my inhibitions lowered perhaps too much. “Or I’ll do my best. I don’t think I can control it.”

“Fucking – “ I could hear Joel panting. “Well that’s two of us.” 

After Joel and I hung up the phone, I barely had the energy to drag myself to the bathroom to wash my hands and wash my face before I fell asleep. 

—

I didn’t wake up until early afternoon the next day. The apartment had a really nice bathtub, so I decided to soak for a while before I did anything else. I had a few hours before it would be time to watch Joel’s game on TV, and I thought about how I should spend them. I wished that he was with me. I wanted to see his cute face and feel the prickle of his beard when he kissed my cheek. I wanted to trace his muscles with my fingers and feel his hands on my hipbones and the softer flesh around them. I wanted to splash him with the water in this bathtub and make him laugh. I was going to try as hard as I could to be ready to do all of these things when he got back. 

After my bath, I sat at the kitchen island to eat a bowl of cereal, only wearing a towel, knowing I didn’t need clothes for what I was doing that day. It was going to be dildo day, I had decided. The item itself was still sitting on the dishtowel on the countertop beside me. 

My phone jingled. Joel and I were developing ESP, or something. I opened the text and almost dropped my cereal bowl. Milk went up my nose a little bit. It was a mirror selfie of Joel in his hotel bathroom. He had one hand strategically placed, but he was definitely naked. I scrambled to respond.

_HOT,_ followed by three heart eyes emojis.

He sent the winking emoji in response. Then: _Have I missed anything?_

_Not yet. I’ll fill you in tonight. I don’t want to distract you before the game._

_Can’t wait,_ he replied, with a kissy emoji. 

I scrolled back up to stare at the picture again, my heart just kind of quivering in my chest. I could count his ab muscles. If I asked nicely, when he got back, he would probably let me lick them. I crossed my legs and squeezed them together. Okay, it was time. 

I took the dildo with me to the bedroom, stopping by the bathroom to wash my hands just to be safe. I took my towel off and sat down on it on the bed to think. The dildo was not comically big, I thought as I held it, but it looked too big to fit inside me. Joel’s actual penis might even be bigger, since he was big all over. _What if my vagina is petite like the rest of me?_ I wondered. Maybe Joel could just teach me how to give a really good blow job. 

I hadn’t ended up with a rash from the lube, so I took the bottle from the nightstand and squirted some onto my fingers. I rolled onto my back and spread my legs apart. _I guess I shouldn’t just try to shove these in_ , I thought. _That’s no fun at all._

I was gentle with myself, rubbing the tips of my fingers around my vulva, testing which places were the most sensitive with the lube added. I ended up rubbing deep circles into my clit with three slippery fingers until I was about to come. And honestly, I felt really pretty while doing it. My stomach muscles were tensed, my small breasts looked plump, and my nipples were pebbled because the room was cold. I was letting myself be a little louder with the whining noises that were coming from my throat. I was getting off on myself because I liked my body like this.

_I’m a slut,_ I thought. _For me. Maybe for Joel, too. It’s great._

I made myself stop and felt around the bed to find the lube bottle beside me. I spread some around the opening of my vagina, shallowly dipping my fingers inside. This was a little messy, and the towel had once again been a really good idea. After making sure my fingers were coated well, I pushed one in and curled it toward the front of my body. I could feel something a little bit good, like the way a La Croix tastes a little bit like a soda. 

My previous personal best for fingers-fit-into-vagina was three. It had not been pleasant. This time I got four, but just barely. The lube really did help with the burning I had always felt, but when I tried to stretch my fingers apart and move them in and out, they made a squishing sound. That was honestly kind of gross. 

Whatever was so great about penetration must have been too far inside me for me to reach. I slipped my fingers out and sat up on my elbows to find the dildo and cover its bumpy surface in lube. Doing my best to force my muscles to relax, I lined up the tip of the dildo and tried to wiggle it in very gently and very carefully. When I realized it was working, I relaxed a little more, exhaling a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. I definitely felt the stretch, but it was not painful. 

I tried moving the dildo to different angles when I was used to the feeling of it inside me. Its tip finally grazed a place that felt like somebody was rubbing my clit from the inside when I dragged the toy over it. This must be it. I thought Joel would probably be able to reach it with his fingers. 

I kept poking at the spot, feeling vaguely like an orgasm was building. It was nice but frustratingly slow compared to the way I was used to making myself come. I reached for the vibrator, and it was all over in a minute. 

I gently tugged the dildo out, my muscles still trying to clench around it, feeling uncomfortably sensitive even though I hadn’t tried to make myself squirt this time. Lube dripped down my inner thighs as I walked to the bathroom. I decided to take another bath.

—

I watched Joel skate helmet-less across the ice on the TV pregame show. I was starting to feel naïve for hoping that we would work out. He could have anyone he wanted. It felt like I could sense the energies of the ones before me - gray forms with hair longer and silkier, skin more flawless, faces more delicately featured, bodies firmer and shaped more perfectly than mine. All of them under Joel’s touch, responding in a way I was afraid I would never be able to. 

What did he want with me?

The night before had been so much fun with Joel egging me on over the phone. Today I was really by myself, a little upset about my tiny, tense vagina, and feeling my usual post-masturbation grossness. 

I took the note Joel left for me from where I had stashed it in my purse. I read it through a few times, thinking about how he had chosen his words. Not pressuring me, but I knew he had confidence in me, too. And he was making a real effort. He had made an effort on the night of our last date when he gently questioned me during my meltdown to understand why I was this way. There was a reason he had done all of this. There had to be something he saw in me, something that made him want me, even if I couldn’t understand it myself. I wanted to trust him, and he deserved my trust, even if it was hard for me to give. 

Earlier that afternoon, I had sent Joel a good luck text that he hadn’t replied to. That was normal; he usually didn’t respond until after the game was over and he was home or on the bus to the airport.

I was scrolling through Sanrio memes to try to cheer up after the lost game, snort-laughing to myself, when the reply finally came in. _Getting on the plane. Will call when I get to the hotel._ The kissyface emoji again. I smiled at my phone.

I was snuggled in Joel’s bed when the phone finally rang a few hours later.

“Hey. I’m sorry things didn’t go well.” 

“Can’t win ‘em all.” He sounded so tired. “How has your day been?”

“I think you’ll be proud of me.”

“Yeah?”

“I, uh, fucked myself with the dildo. Or like. Just a little bit. Not hard or anything. I barely moved it. But I got it inside me! That’s what counts, right?” I was laughing and Joel was cracking up on the other end of the line.

“Did you like it? Did it feel good?”

“It didn’t hurt. I’m calling it a success.”

“It can’t compare to the real thing,” Joel said, feigned cockiness in his voice. 

“Honestly, I’m kind of scared you won’t fit.”

“You don’t need to be worried about that.” His tone was gentle now. “I’ll take good care of you, I promise.” 

For a second I wanted to ask if he had slept with anyone around my size before. I knew that was a terrible idea. It was a foregone conclusion that the answer was yes (and probably even some women who were smaller, which was a devastating thought), and I didn’t want him to think I was trying to make him feel guilty for having a lot of sex when I had not. 

“You still there?” Joel said when I didn’t respond.

“Sorry! Lost in thought.” 

“What are you thinking about?”

I didn’t want to sound insecure; I didn’t want to sound needy. I just knew that up until then, being honest had been the right decision. “I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you.” I tried to say it in a matter-of-fact way. 

Joel waited a beat before he said softly, “But I _want you_.”

“I know. You’ve shown me that.”

“I’ve actually been thinking you’re going to end up being pretty wild in bed.” I could practically hear him grinning.

“I want to be. That’s how it goes when I imagine it, anyway.”

“You gotta tell me about these things you’ve been imagining.”

“Well, I would. But somebody’s got another game tomorrow and needs to sleep.”

“Rain check.”

“Sure thing. I’m just…I’m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night, okay?”

“I’m looking forward to it, too.”

—

I totally hadn’t said to Joel, hey, be ready, when you get back we’re fucking, but I didn’t think he would say no if I was willing. I thought that I was going to be. I knew that everything could change when he was there and his hands were on me, but while I was getting ready I realized that for the first time I felt way more excited than afraid.

I tried to prepare myself: took another long bath, made sure I didn’t miss any spots shaving my legs, moisturized everything, did my makeup and my hair. It still made me nervous to think about Joel looking so closely at my body. I couldn’t be completely confident about this no matter what I did, but there was some comfort in trying as hard as I could to be perfect for him. 

I tried on the lingerie for real, this time, trying to decide what I should wear that night. One thing he left for me was a bralette and panties set in pale pink. The top was just little triangles made from sheer lace held together with delicate satin straps, and the matching bottoms were a cheeky cut with thin elastic straps on the sides. I could wear them under my comfy clothes, both so Joel would be surprised and so I would feel more like myself. 

The boys lost again that night. I got a text with just an airplane emoji a while after the TV broadcast ended. A few hours after that, _I’m on my way._ Then there he was in the foyer, jacket over his arm, tie missing, a few buttons undone. He looked the same as he did before he left two days earlier, just rumpled from travel. There was softness in his eyes when he looked at me, and a little tiredness, too.

I went to hug him. He sat his jacket down on his suitcase and put his hands on the backs of my thighs to lift me up. I wrapped my legs around him and put my arms around his neck. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine, holding us like that for a minute. Then he took a few steps until my back was against the coat closet door. 

He pulled away to look at me. I held his face in my hands. “I’m sorry it wasn’t a good trip.”

He shook his head. “I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m just happy to see my girl.”

I smiled back while my stomach fluttered. “I’m happy to see you, too.” 

He kissed me slowly and deeply, after a moment taking a half step into me to press me more firmly against the door. He ducked his head to kiss to the spot between my collarbones and moved one hand to push my hoodie off my shoulder to kiss along one of them. When he got to my camisole strap, he paused. He pulled back, running his thumb over the black strap and the pink one peeking out from underneath. “Is this - ?”

I nodded, a smile forming on my face. A giggle slipped out. Joel was smiling back at me, his pupils big and dark in his blue eyes. 

“Are you too tired?” I asked.

“For you? No way. Do you - ?”

“I want to. I really want to, Joel.”

His eyes searched mine for a second, looking for hesitation, but I wasn’t feeling any. He kissed me against the closet door one more time before he carried me to the bedroom. We were beaming at each other. I slid my hoodie the rest of the way off and dropped it on the floor on the way. Then I started on Joel’s shirt buttons. 

He set me down on the bed and finished taking off his shirt. I reached up to put a hand on his stomach before I realized what I was doing. He grinned and leaned down with one knee on the bed to kiss me. He tugged on the hem of my top, and I raised my arms for him to pull it off. He pressed gently on my shoulder, and I lay back so he could pull my leggings off, too.

“Fuck, you’re so perfect.” He squeezed my waist with both hands. They were so big that his fingers almost met in the middle of my stomach. He bowed his head to leave a kiss just above the waistband of my panties. I squirmed a little. “Hold on, baby.” 

He took the bottle of lube I had left on the nightstand and laid it on the bed beside me; then he opened the drawer to take out a condom and put it there, too. He went in the bathroom, and I heard water running. I realized he was washing his hands. I sat up and leaned back on my palms. Everything was so real. 

When he came back, he was only wearing a pair of boxer briefs, and his cock was straining against them. I reflexively unfocused my eyes a little. He sat on the edge of the bed and touched my face, running his thumb along my bottom lip. “You okay?” 

I nodded. “I just realized that it’s really happening.” I put my arms around his neck, and he leaned down to press his nose to mine.

“It doesn’t have to be tonight.”

“But I really, really want it to be.” 

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.” I reached down and felt around Joel’s thighs until my hand found his bulge. He drew in a breath. “I can handle it,” I said with a smile. 

“You’re already kind of handling it.” 

I rested my head on his shoulder while we laughed. 

He kissed me with his hands in my hair and my hand softly rubbing over his abs and the waistband of his underwear. He reached behind me and unclasped the bralette with one hand before he lowered me down to the mattress again. He nuzzled against my sternum. My breasts didn’t quite fill his palms. “So pretty.” He rolled my nipples under his thumbs, and a gasp came from deep in my throat. I hadn’t even thought I was sensitive there. I saw Joel smile like he was pleased with himself before he continued down my body. 

He tugged the panties down my legs and ran his big warm hands over my hips where the elastic had left dents in my skin. I let him move my legs apart, inhaling sharply when he pressed his nose into the crease of my leg and licked along it. He locked one arm over my hipbones and rubbed the top of my thigh with his other hand. 

Joel looked up at me, and I nodded before he leaned down to plant a kiss on my clit. He licked at it softly, and my shoulders fell back onto the bed. “That feels so good.” 

He hummed in response. I reached for his hand on my hip and squeezed it. He laced his fingers in mine. I felt him move his tongue to the entrance of my vagina, to taste me, I thought, before moving back up to where it felt the best. 

He made me come once that way before he pulled himself back up the bed to kiss me. “You taste so good, baby girl.” I could taste myself in the kiss. I was no longer on the planet. When Joel asked me if he could do it again, I just moaned. 

I watched him coat his fingers in lube and kneel back between my legs. He slowly slid one finger in while gently sucking my clit. When he curled his finger, it rubbed against the sensitive place inside me. “Holy fuck,” I whispered. Then there were two, and then three of Joel’s yaoi-hands fingers slick and inside me, stretching me open for his cock. I didn’t even notice the squishing noises this time. 

After I came again, Joel laid beside me to kiss me while he continued to stretch me open with his fingers. There was no world for me outside of the warmth of his body and the fullness I felt. I could feel his beard scratch against me as he kissed my shoulder, and every once in a while he would graze that one place inside and make me think I was going to come another time. If I could lay there and let him finger-fuck me until the world ended, I would have. 

I whined when he pulled his fingers out. “Think you’re ready?” He stroked my hair with the hand that had not been inside me. I nodded.

He shucked off his underwear and got back on the bed, on his knees between my legs. I watched him roll on a condom and start to cover himself in more lube. I reached up to put my hand on his arm. 

“We can stop.” He said immediately, his expression concerned.

“No. I don’t want to stop. It’s just…I haven’t done anything for you.”

“What? Oh.” Joel looked relieved when he realized what I was trying to say. “But it’s your first time.”

“You’re taking such good care of me. I want you to enjoy it too.”

“I am enjoying it, baby. I was thinking about this the whole time I was gone.” He smiled down at me, leaning to rub the tops of my thighs, looking at me like he was admiring me.

“Will you teach me soon? Like tomorrow, maybe? Or after this. I don’t know.”

Joel laughed. “Tomorrow, I promise. If not before.” 

I closed my eyes. “Who has ever had a first time like this? I don’t deserve this.”

“You deserve everything good, baby girl.” 

“Is this one of the good things I deserve?” I smiled sideways and reached in the direction of his penis.

“It _is_ pretty good, and you do really deserve it.”

He pulled me by my knees to where my bottom was on his thighs before he started to push into me. He had one hand on the base of his penis and one on my stomach, pressing lightly to comfort me.

It was a lot, but it wasn’t too much after all the stretching he had done. He sat back on his heels, lifting me by my shoulders so I was sitting in his lap. He kissed my neck while he gave me time to adjust, his hands trailing up and down my back. 

Joel bumped his nose into mine, and I opened my eyes. 

“Does it feel okay?”

“Yeah, I like it.” I leaned forward to kiss him. 

He put his hands on my hips and pulled me into him. I gasped into the kiss at the feeling, my fingers digging into the muscle of his shoulders. He was so deep inside me. 

“Too much?” 

“No. Keep…keep doing that.” 

He guided my hips until I got used to the rhythm, pushing up to meet me. His hands went to squeeze my breasts when I started to roll my hips by myself. He was looking in my eyes, a glazed look falling over him. I could feel the same thing happening to me. 

“You’re doing so good, baby. You feel so good,” Joel mumbled against my cheek. “And you look so good on my cock.” I felt myself clench around him. “Fuck.”

He slid one hand lower between us, his palm on my hip, and rubbed circles into my clit with the pad of his thumb. “One more for me, you can do it.” 

I stifled a moan against his shoulder. “I don’t think so,” I whined, pushing my hips forward into him. 

“You’re so good for me, baby girl, I know you can. Look at me.”

A shiver went down my back when I opened my eyes to meet his. The way he was looking at me, the desire in his eyes - “Joel – oh shit,” and my orgasm spilled over.

I heard Joel groan as the muscles inside me spasmed. He pushed up into me a few more times, and then he was rolling us over onto our sides, holding me tight against him as we came back to reality. Each of us made a noise when he slid out of me. He looked at me for a minute, the side of my face cradled in his palm. He kissed me one more time, the most softly he had all night. Then he got up and scooped me off the bed. 

He carried me to the bathroom and set me down outside the door to the toilet. He leaned down to kiss my forehead, patting my hip a few times to direct me to the door before he turned to throw away the condom. When I came out, he had a warm washcloth ready to wipe the lube residue off the insides of my thighs before he picked me up and carried me back to bed.

I snuggled against Joel’s chest. He had turned the lamp off, and the early morning light was starting to shine blue through the curtains. We had done it. We had definitely just had sex. And it had been nothing but good. 

“Thank you. For that,” I said quietly, exhaling a laugh through my nose, “and for being so thoughtful and patient with me.”

“You’re the sweetest girl I’ve ever met,” he started, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he looked into mine, “I’d be crazy to let you go.” His hand was on the small of my back, holding me against him. 

I felt Joel kiss the top of my head, and I closed my eyes. I imagined the next morning. He would be in the kitchen in sweatpants and no shirt, probably a backwards baseball cap too. He would definitely be teasing me about my fixation with his abs. Maybe we would be making pancakes. I could see myself at the stove, flipping them with a spatula. I just might have a little accident with the syrup. And maybe, just maybe, licking syrup off Joel’s stomach would lead to that countertop-fucking after all. 


End file.
